Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
