If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
