this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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