you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
