someone owes me an orgasm
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
