im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
