I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
