Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
