If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
