Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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