dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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