Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
And then he peed in my hair
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