I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
