i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
