Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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