I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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