I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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