She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
