A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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