the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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