I CAN MOONWALK!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
