Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
