She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
