Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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