just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
