I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
