Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
