You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
