Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
