Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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