Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
