be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
