life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
