Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
