last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
