Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
