You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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