Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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