I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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