....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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