guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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