Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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