Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
