dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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