Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
