It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
