i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it's like heaven, but drunker
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
