It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
