he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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