Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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