The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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