I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
