having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
