god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
