i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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