Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
