every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
